also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
