his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
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