it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
