38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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