don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
