Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
