I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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