just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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