I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize