The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
