No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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