i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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