He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
