You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
