I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
someone owes me an orgasm
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
