im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
