He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
