he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
