He uses pillows to masturbate.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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