my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
