i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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