I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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