i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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