Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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