Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
