If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
