OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
