rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize