Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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