apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
