Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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