i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
