Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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