so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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