Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
