Duck Duck Cougar?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
