Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
