Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize