Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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