you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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