if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
