if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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