i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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