woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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