Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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