I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
