I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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