Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
