i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
