i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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