Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
