i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
did i just pee glitter
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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