Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
