Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
All I want is dick and wine.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
