I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
