You're my little dorito
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
