Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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