and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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