Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
