God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I want her autograph on my taint
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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