You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
