I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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