i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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